This is a long entry. I really don't care how many tangents I go off on, because I am not feeling quiet. I am not feeling like I need to stop talking so much for someone else's CONVENIENCE. This stuff needs to be said, and this is most likely my last post here. If you don't read it, that's on you. But please don't ask me something that may be written here, when you can take 15 minutes of your time to read someone's post. And don't pretend I didn't say any of this, because this is NOT changing. I may sound like an ass here, but I really am not trying to be. I am stating the facts, and I have decided to stop being so nice and flowery about it for the entirety of this journal. This journal doesn't apply to everyone, but if you think for a second, it might apply to you, I recommend looking into that. It could be you feel guilty for doing it, or it could be you have a guilt issue when you are innocent, which you may really want to find professional help with.
I have weighed my issues x what DA is doing with them, and have decided to leave DA and start over sometime in the future.
I'm really really sorry for any trouble this may cause, but... The truth is, I really need to make some healthy changes in my life, and I need to stop letting things feel like they are hanging over my head.
I can't handle some of the pressure I am feeling, and it is really damaging my emotional health.
I am really sorry if this causes any issues for anyone.
I will be deleting my DA in a few hours. If not today, then tomorrow. I may chicken out and leave it, but don't be upset if I am not logging in and saying or doing anything.
I may just leave this account, and come back with a different name, and a different perception of myself, but...
This is a door I have really been needing to ACTUALLY close for a long time.
For those who want to talk, my email is the only place I am talking to anyone at all. You will have to ask me personally in a note for my email address. For those who get my email address, please don't redistribute it.
I just want to say it is nobody's fault I am leaving; I am leaving for my health.
Anyone who was waiting on requests from me, I am sorry. I cannot do them. Not now, and most likely not in the future.
I need to work on some things in my life, and myself.
For some of you, this may be the last time you hear from me, for which I am genuinely sorry... I don't want to hurt anyone, but I need to make some changes, before I wind up back on the path of hurting myself. I should not be entering a conversation, feeling dread, feeling unheard, or feeling pushed aside. I should not be entering a conversation feeling like if I ask someone to respect a boundary, that they will say "okay" and continue stepping on my boundaries. And I shouldn't enter a conversation with a friend I have known a while and feel like I am talking to a complete stranger and feeling attacked by everything they say. shouldn't leave a conversation feeling that way, either. Or feeling like I just ruin every conversation with them. And sometimes, there are certain individuals I feel those ways with. And I would rather just leave than say "please stop doing that", because of how angry some individuals get. And it's sad. Not "pathetic"-sad; it's more like "I want to cry"-sad. It's sad that I don't have the courage as much to stand up for myself, especially to people I am close to, or have befriended. But the funny thing is, I let people like that into my life. And I let it run me down, and affect me.
This isn't healthy, people!
It isn't... Not for you, not for me, not for anyone else on this planet... If you don't like how people are treating you, don't like how things are, then make a change. You may have to say goodbye to some people. You may have to say goodbye to accounts... Whole sites, even. It's fine to give to others. It's GOOD to give to others. But when it starts wearing you down, and you start to feel like it's sinking you into a hole you can't get out of, it's time to REALLY look at the situation. Nothing as voluntary as being on as being on a website and showing people your art, should be causing so much anxiety it makes you PHYSICALLY SICK. You are worth more than that!!! You really are. I am, too...
I left Miiverse for this reason. I don't even login to look at anything. I can't be on it without feeling sick. And I'm not this bad with DA yet, but I am putting a stop to this before it gets THAT bad.
People, when you ask people for things, please REALLY REALLY think about what you are asking for. Think about how it is gonna affect that person. How it is going to affect their lives. Think about what is going on for people before you start demanding things from them. It's okay to want things, but just remember that other people have lives, too.
I can't expect anyone to cater to my every need. And I really don't. I am really tolerant. But when I state something hurts me, or something is bothering me, or something is causing some level of damage to me, and it is something so small, someone can EASILY take the time to make sure to be more AWARE of it, then PLEASE don't just ignore it. PLEASE don't look away, or keep doing it.
Also, if someone makes something for you, and they spent HOURS AND HOURS DOING SO, DON'T JUST FLIPPANTLY SAY "Cool" without even a THANK YOU. Take the EXTRA TINY LITTLE EFFORT IT TAKES TO GENUINELY APPRECIATE WHAT THEY HAVE MADE FOR YOU, SAY SOMETHING MORE THAN ONE TINY WORD, AND THANK THEM. Would you REALLY like someone to do that to you???????
And for some individuals, I REALLY hate to say this, but you are heading down a DANGEROUS path FAST. You are drowning yourself in negativity, and changing your behaviour to "fit in", and you are NOT impressing me. You're JUST WORRYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. You are DEVALUING yourself to mimic the media around you, and the people around you, but does it REALLY feel right? Or are you realizing you are suddenly feeling more depressed than ever? Are the little things bothering you? You really need to look at what you are choosing to look at. Depressing music isn't helpful. Suicide isn't reversible. Cursing at someone, and putting them down, or calling them names to be funny isn't doing anything but causing MORE damage to the people in this world. And I don't care how good you are at ANYTHING in your life; other people's opinions FUCKING. MATTER. STOP pissing on other people's opinions, or problems, because YOU ARE NOT ANY BETTER. I AM NOT ANY BETTER than anyone. THAT GUY OVER THERE is not better than anyone. And YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ANYONE. WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS. So QUIT treating other people like SHIT when they have a difference of opinion. ACKNOWLEDGE their opinion. Validate it. It doesn't have to be yours!! But just RESPECT IT. And you will find they may do the same to yours. And if they don't then do you REALLY need that person around?? Just... TREAT PEOPLE BETTER. THAT, I have been needing to say for a LONG time. I see TOO many people doing this. And you need to stop. :/ Be yourself.
Anyways. I have said my share. I have said what I wanted to say. I have been as mindful as possible in this situation not to sit blame on any one person. But. This is stuff I have been holding in, and needing to say. Since I am leaving, I don't really care about the repercussions of being open about this. I don't really care if people think I am mean or selfish for saying any of this. I don't really care if I wandered too many topics, or said too much to read. If you can't give me the 15 minutes to properly read my journal, why are you in my life? Seriously. Because I can't think of it being beneficial to anyone but you by ignoring what someone says, and not bothering to weigh in when you see someone having a hard time I really, again, don't care if you have anything negative to say about me, or this post. Because you can't hurt me more than I have already hurt myself. You can't say anything I haven't heard or thought of myself...
For those positive people in my life, I jut want to thank you so much for being there. Thank you for letting me be there for you, too. You have demonstrated true human kindness, and demonstrated not everyone on this planet is selfish. You are the hope that humanity has left on this world. Never stop being kind, unless that person is someone taking advantage of your kindness. Then it is your responsibility to leave, so you don't get hurt... Even a tiny kindness here or there makes a difference, and you demonstrate this sort of thing all the time in your actions. ^^ Don't let this get to your head, though. Stay humble. Too many people start hearing that they are kind, and they let it get to them, so then they think even doing cruel things is kind. It sounds weird, but I've seen it happen firsthand MANY times. And it's okay to give people things, but like I said before, don't give so much that you are left with nothing at all, okay?
I don't care if you are one of the kind people, or one of the people who have hurt me and used me as a doormat. I genuinely wish you a good future, and I want to thank you for sticking around. I hope your lives improve, and you along with it. Change is good, but make sure you are looking to do the good changing, and not the bad changing. And I really hope you all keep developing your arts. Drawing, writing, music... It doesn't matter. Keep doing it. It's an important part of you. I know every single one of you can make a good living from it, as long as you keep working and don't give up. Cherish the people in your life, and the things in your life that you have been blessed with. Who cares if it's not EXACTLY what you wanted? It's better than nothing, right??
I guess I am out, then...